Friday, January 05, 2007

Children of Men

As I've said in my last post, when I get in the mindset of a task I can go about it for long lengths of time. As you notice there are often a bit of periods where I won't write anything on my blog, and then bam, a long post. Well, in addition, I've felt it necessary to write some more.

Yesterday I got to go to Tommy's over on Coventry Rd. A nice little vegetarian restaurant that I've been dying to go to for quite awhile now. Well, it was fantastic, to say the least. I got the Cee-Dee, which was falafel, humos, sunflower seeds, cheese, and some other ingredients I can't think of off hand all on a pita. Well, my friend Chris got the same thing and not being a vegetarian himself, both of us enjoyed it tremendously. All the food was wonderful there, and hopefully I'll have a chance to go there again to try their tempeh or seitan food dishes. I highly recommend it even to meat eaters who want to try a new dish. They also have some excellent deserts, and their vegan chocolate chip "tookie" was phenomenal, though my parents and my friend didn't care for that as much as I did.

Well, I won't have much time to write in this second blog for the day since I've got to get ready for work. Seems somewhat odd to work such an early shift, but it will be nice since I'll have time to go see a movie tonight. And this isn't just any movie, its a movie that I've been anticipating since before Christmas when I first saw the previews for it when I went to see Apocalypto. The movie, of course, being "Children of Men". Let me tell you how disappointed I was when I found out it was a limited release only on Christmas Day. Talk about not having such a great Christmas. Anticipation rose as I kept checking various movie sites and badgering the local movie theater as to if and when they would get the movie. Then, Tuesday night a light of hope shone as I checked Fandango to see that the movie expanded this Friday. But, all was not well quite yet as the local movie theaters had not yet posted times thus confirming that Children of Men would indeed be playing in the area. Than, Thursday night it all came to a close. Both Cinemarks, the one in Macedonia and the other in Valley View, will be playing Children of Men. Though they only have a couple of showings and the earliest I'll be able to make it tonight is a 9:45 show, the other being a 10:10 showing, I can guarantee you that I'll be going today. After having dreams about this movie, one involving an argument with a movie theater as to why they were advertising the movie but not showing it, my quest to see this movie will draw to a close.

And thus begings the next long wait for the movie I'm greatly anticipating, 300. Still about 2 months away, I hope that Children of Men will carry me over until this next great epic comes to theaters.

With that in mind, I bid you farewell.

Peace and Love
Namaste

To Those Who've Earned My Respect and the Sense of Duty

I was debating as to whether or not I should post a blog, and my judgment led me to 'yes'. I recently left my old job working at a dog kennel due to awkward hours and the distance I would have to drive each day, especially when having to drive there twice a day occasionally. That, coupled with the fact that theres been some family issues that unfortunatly I find myself in the middle of has made this vacation, thus far, quite interesting. However, recognizing the fact that because the world isn't based on egalitarianism and cooperation, and that I must find a way to supplement my income, I was forced to make a decision to start find a job that would not only hire me, but would do so for such a short time period and was somewhat close. Thus, I ended up at a job I worked at years ago but left due to school related issues. Now, don't get me wrong, the people there are great, I greatly appreciate them hiring me back, and it is nice to get to work with people instead of dogs for awhile (only a matter of time, I'm sure, before that changes.)

It isn't all that great, however, because a part of me feels that I'm violating my morals by working there. I don't mind putting a hard days work in, and I support those who work there for whatever reason, but I'm bothered by the fact that I'm working for corporate America and contributing to the rising problems of health in this country (I'm working at fast food.) Now, of course with me being vegetarian its somewhat interesting since I feel completely out of place with the food. And, I'm not sure if I should be looking upon this as sort of hypocritical, a means to an ends, or just looking too deep into it. And thus I remind myself of Arjun and the counsel he received from Lord Krishna about duty. That even when we do something that we feel strongly opposed, we must recognize our fulfillment of duty. Of course, I may not be truly understanding what the Bhagavad Gita is trying to say, but I hope that at least I've some inclination as to how to approach the matter.

But, thats really not the reason why I wrote this. Yes, sense of duty was one small part, but the other small part is sort of a rant/complaint. My legs are killing me, having put in 10 hours today and 24 hours of work between finishing at the kennel and then here at my new job in the last two days. That is to say, in less than the past 48 hours, 24 of them have been working. I'm physicall exhausted, and pushing onto mental exhaustion right now as well. Fortunately I've the day off tomorrow which is a welcome relief. But, the main message of this is that I commend, honor, and respect every single individual in the world who spends every day of his or her life working hard, sometimes 10, 12, or 14 hours a day to make a living. I can not begin to imagine their dedication, committment, and sense of duty. And while I'm sure they wish for brighter days I hope they know that they are truly remarkable and wonderful people, and I do not think I have the resolve to work 14 hours a day every day of the week for a lifetime. But, this isn't for just those who work such a large number of hours, but to every person, a sense of honor and respect for their place and their purpose, no matter what it be. We all have our duties, whether or not we choose them, and no matter what duty we have been assigned each is a noble endeavor onto itself. And while there are those of us who wish we had something a bit different or easier or profitable, it goes without saying that we are all remarkable for what we do. Thus, the entirety of the human race has earned some of my respect for that sole reason, and I hope that I can continue to go about my job with such a sense of equanimity.

What's In A Name and Embarking on A Journey

Well, as break nears an end and only a little over a week I find myself once again in a state of uncertainty. Work has been going quite well and I've been fortunate to have a few experiences which may have at one point been a cause of anger and frustration in the past, but in light of what I've learned, has now become a chance to further my spiritual learning. One of the problems with working in fast food, or customer service in any regard, is dealing with people who sometimes are such in a rush and selfish that they have little regard for how they treat other people. And it concerns me when these people think that somehow they are better than the person working and that in fact, those who are working are servants to them. Now, we all make mistakes, and sometimes there is so much going on that we miss something or forget. We're all human, we're all subject to the same initial imperfection.

So, whereas in the past when a customer starts lecturing me about making a mistake with an order I'd get angry (at least internally, since my job depends on me biting my tongue. Sometimes I wonder how the capitialistic philosophy of the customer became so prevalent), I found that this time I was at quite a bit of peace. Of course, it was a mistake on our part, and while did resent the blame being placed on me entirely considering that there was a transition of who was arranging the order, and therefore, subject to some ambiguity as to whether or not everything was placed in the order, I didn't take it to heart. But I realized, on several notes, that we must learn to forgive those who are not aware of spiritual truths, and that we should not condemn others if they react with anger, and that by taking insult and taking their comlaints personally is only a tool of the ego. One of the interesting things I noticed as that we wear nametags at work, but since I've only begun working there I have no nametag, and I rather like that. Being nameless, and refusing the ego its desire to be recognized and known. Of course, I doubt that once the time comes to adorn the nametag that such an argument will be sufficient to continue not wearing one, for the time being I enjoy refusing the ego its demands.

On that note, I'm strongly considering taking a semester off of school. Although I'm sure I'll face a lot of criticism for it being that its my last semester of school, I feel that the time has come to do what I've been dreaming to do for the past few years. I'm hoping that if all goes well I'll be hiking the entire length of the Appalachian Trail come this February / March. It would be five months away from everything, home, school, work, in the one element where I have always felt at home and been able to appreciate. A 2100 mile journey that I hope will be a catalyst to further my spiritual journey. As others have told me in the past and I've said myself, its not necessary to go on some journey to find inner peace or to realize spiritual truths. And true, the doorway into self-realization is present within us at all times regardless of where we are, I feel that this is something I must undergo. To prove to myself, and to get away from it all and take some time to think.

As I was working the other day, I picked up a toy for a kids meal and it struck me, I mean really struck me, the materialistic nature of our society. The fast paced, Puritanistic, getting-everything done in a hurry nature of our society. Its always about time, its always about getting it done here and now, and never taking time to relax, to sit back, or even going at a slower pace. That's another problem I've found at fast food is the issue of having to get out orders in a hurry, and if we take longer then a few minutes then there's a problem. It concerns me that we as a society are always on such a fast-paced track. And this journey I would undertake, I hope, would allow me a temporary escape from this burden of having to live up to the standards of a society who demands everything right this minute, right this instant.

I like to take my time with some things. Sometimes its because I want to put it off, but other times its because I want to make sure I do a good job. I don't mind spending 8 hours sweeping and mopping a floor or doing dishes once I get into the mindset of doing it. I want to know I'm doing a good job, getting it right. I want to take 5 minutes to make a sandwich so its a work of art. Of course its all material, all matter so in the end it doesn't really matter. But there is nothing wrong, in my opinion, with bringing the perfection of the spirit into the imperfect matter, of doing our best of brining our inner perfection outwards physically to make maya a little bit less of a burden. So what if I take an extra week to do an assignment if it means it will be that much better? It strikes me as odd that people perceive me as lazy because I tend to procrastinate or not do things on their time.

I see a chance to bring, as I said, the perfection of the spirit into the world of maya all the time. One must get into the mindset of doing such, merging with the task at hand so that it prevails through the mind, ridding of all other conflicting thoughts. Although a job will never be perfect, we can strive to make the work we do shine with spiritual excellence. As taught in Zen Buddhism and I'm sure other schools of eastern thought even the most menial of tasks has something to offer in terms of spiritual learning. And thus one should never disregard a task as too low for them to do, nor should any task be rushed for the sake of getting it done.

Thus, while I've found that I've almost at times enjoyed the work I've been doing the past couple of weeks, the fast paced nature sometimes does get to me that I don't have more time to devote to the task. And, this fast paced nature is something I've found everywhere. So, yes, maybe taking a semester away to hike the Appalachian Trail is an attempt to escape from the social reality, or my own way of being impatient and fast paced, or whatever the reason may be. But the way I perceive it is theres no better time than the present, and times are changing and I feel that this presents the perfect opportunity to undergo a physical and spiritual metamorphosis.

Peace and Blessings To You All

Regardless of what faith you claim, what walk of life you hail from, no matter the triumphs and disappointments of this past year, let us all come together to recognize the true meaning of this season. Let us take a step from the consumerism and materialism, the rush to make up for procrastination, the animosity between those who've wronged us and the feelings of guilt for those we've wronged ourselves. Let us come together and celebrate this time of year with thoughts of peace and goodwill, blessings and hopes for a better tomorrow, and aspirations to make our lives and the lives of others the best we can possibly do in the coming, new year. I give you this poem in hopes that you will all recognize the importance and true meaning of this time of year. Peace, Blessings, and Love to each and everyone one of you, and the same to those you hold dear. I may have not talked to you as much of I should have, but I aspire to make next year one in which I get to know each of you better. But, I want to let each and everyone of you know, that even if I've not talked to you lately, much, or even at all, that all of you have been a positive and important influence in my life. Thank you to all of you, and happy holidays and season greetings.


"Yet another day come and gone,
Our lives flash before us
as we move to and fro
in nothing but a rush
Celebration of a virgin birth
Or welcoming the changing season
We stand united in celebration of light
The triumph of Sol Invictus
It goes by many names,
Chanukah, Christmas, Yule
Pancha Ganapati, Kwanzaa
But the message remains the same
Peace, and joy, blessings to all
A season of love for our fellow man
A time of forgiveness
And the road for new beginnings
Let us on these auspicious nights
Be mindful of the season
No matter your belief or creed
Give thanks, relinquish greed
Spread the love, propagate the joy
Give yourself to peace
And with the transition of the year
A short time away
Believe in the truth of this message
Through the Night and Day"

Surrender Onto Shiva

I've done a lot of introspection and reflection the past week or so, and have reconciled my beliefs with family. Though it still remains more of an unspoken issue, it does release. Part of my reflection this week has been a profound, deeply seeded interest in the Hindu God Shiva. Hopefully, I will find time to write a bit more and offer more reflection.
I've never really considered myself much of a poet. I'll write one now and then, maybe I need to write more often. But, I felt inspired to write one today.

Endless streets of shattered dreams
Walking alone in the dark of night
Attached to false desires
And lingering hopes of beautific love
Within, a bloody battlefield
Where two mighty armies wage
A war for control of the soul
Inticed by the earthy pleasures
But yearning for spiritual release
Seeking solace from a lie
And disappointments which never die
A divide in the mind
The wall, a construct of my ego
Unable to scale its heights
Falling to the ground
The air of failure rushing against my face
But why, oh why do I seek
That which is Maya
Why I do I hold onto fleeting moments
Of illusory dreams of romance and love
Surrender, if I will, to the embrace of the Divine
The everlasting light of purity
And the unconditional love
As an infant surrenders to its mother
Do I too seek to surrender onto You
That which I AM, whose name is Shiva

Brightest Blessings and Peace Onto each of you this Holiday season, regardless of what faith you claim. And may the truth of this season bring forth blessings and peace onto all of humanity.

Peace and Much Love To you all
Scott

Random Movie Musings and Letting Go

I am usually a bit critical of movies, aside from the fact its beginning to cost an arm and a leg to actually go see one, the quality of films seem to be declining these days. The other day I went to go see Stranger Than Fiction with the family, and although they found it not to their liking I was pleasantly surprised by it. I believe that there is a lot you can take out of it if you know how to look deep enough, and raises a few questions about fate, for example. I can't help but ask myself whether or not we're writing our own novels, or if we're merely characters in a much larger epic of whom the author is unknown. Of course, I believe we are ultimately masters of our fate, but it was a curiousity seeing the question, albeit it subtlely, portrayed in film.


Today I went to go see Apocalypto. Now, although I do consider many of Mel Gibson's characters to be quite intriguing, I'm not a huge fan of his directing. Nor do I condone his actions sometimes, regardless of the catalyst which caused them into manifestation. However, many people I've heard were turned down by the fact that it was directed by Mel Gibson after I mentioned the fact to them. I feel it would be unfair to turn down the film because of that. In addition, the Mayan civilization has been portrayed very little in film from what I'm aware of, and never on the scope of this film. Needless to say, I was quite satisfied with my money and is one of the better films I've seen in recent months. Although there were heavy criticisms about some of the directing mimicking other movies, my rebuttal is that if we were to condone everytime a film-maker used a similar scene in their movie then we'd have nothing to watch. I was quite pleased by the ending, which often is what causes disappointment with the rest of the film. Some may say it was cliche, and to a certain extend I agree, but nevertheless I believe it was very artistically done. Also, I was graced with a preview for a movie that looks so exhilarating that I can barely contain my excitement for the next three months until its release. If you have a chance, check out the trailer for the movie entitled 300. It puts an intriguing twist on an otherwise already remarkable tale.

Now, to move on. I've come across this story several times, so I wanted to share it with you. I took the text from Buddha's World. The URL is at http://www.katinkahesselink.net/tibet/zen.html. The story:

Obsessed

Two traveling monks reached a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. One of the monks hesitated, but the other quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed. As the monks continued on their way, the one was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out.
"Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!"
"Brother," the second monk replied, "I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her."

A few of my recent blogs have touched lightly on what I've personally gotten from this story about its meaning. We, myself included, tend to have a habit of latching on to the past. We forget to realize that the past is done and overwith, far beyond our grasps to be changed or influenced. Instead of focusing on what we may learn from the past, such as how to better ourselves in the future or coming to a realization that sometimes things aren't always black and white or the need for compassion and consideration at all times, we tend to dwell on it and focus on what we should have done at that moment. We focus so much on that, we fail to realize how close we are to seeing the moral of the situation. We then forget about the incident when a similar one arises in the future.

But, there is another side to this story in my opinion. It returns to the idea of living in the present. When our thoughts wander about what happened yesterday or what we're going to do tomorrow we're attaching a salience to events that we have no control over. We burden ourselves with stress and despair, grief and sorrow, when instead we should be living fully in the moment and experiencing all the joys it has to offer.

I went hiking in the woods today, the ones near my home. Over the years this area has grown to be almost a sacred home for me, and whenever thoughts burden me down I retreat to this area to meditate and relax. Today I explored a relatively new area to me, one I've not seen at least in quite a number of years. And as I sat near the roaring water of the creek before me, it struck me the importance of living in the moment, but also, the impermanence of all things. The area I was in today was surrounded by moderately high rock clippings. Still a majestic view in my opinion when one gazes down. But as I observed the details of the rock, I realized that this was not always the way it was, nor will it remain this way forever. Each moment of its history has its own particular beauty, and I was given the opportunity to observe it in its present moment.

But if something as solid as rock can erode over time, then so can the thoughts and emotions that we hold. The water of time washes away even our most engrained feelings. Instead of trying to salvage every rock that gets washed away, even the large boulders of anger, sadness, jealousy and hate, we should focus on the smaller ones of joy and happiness. We can carry away these small pebbles of happiness with us, having these emotions with us always, but we can not do the same with the boulders of negativity.

When we focus on what we can not change, and when we dwell on the past, we're trying to give permanence to something that is inherently not going to last forever. We attach a desparate desire to preserve something even if its self-destructive in its nature. So, let go of the past, don't attach yourself to it, but observe it as it comes and go, using it as a tool for learning so that you don't let the inherit moment slip by.

Reconciliation with the Truth

Foremost, to those who I've recently invited and have taken an opportunity to read my blog, I want to welcome you. I want to say that everyone person on my friends list has been added for a reason, because I feel you all recognize important spiritual truths and I want to be able to share both my experiences and the result of my journies and hear yours. I feel that we are on the verge of a major paradigm shift within our global consciousness. Whether or not this corresponds to the year 2012 or some other period I am unsure, but as I begin to realize certain Truths I recognize and find those individuals who are on the same journey as I.

As I've made mentioned in my previous blogs, the ego is an extremely powerful force within our conscious experience. It is a constant battle against it, and I feel much truth is out of my grasp because of the influence my ego has. I succumb to its influential power. I'm not sure because of the circumstances which surround my life, the lack of control I feel, the lack of experiences in my life, the imposed cultural prison that I've fallen prey to as a youth, or the fact that I feel tied, gagged, and bounded to a societal norm from which I am unable, or unwilling to escape from. Its troubling because on the inside I feel complete surrender to the Divine, Cosmic Intelligence, the unconditional and unbounding love for both all beings and the Cosmic Creator. This unconditional love, however, I feel is unable to manifest itself completely because of these wordly and corporeal problems that I face, resolution of no-ego, and a sense of supremacy in the individual self.

I find myself constantly questioning whether I'm here because I'm obliged, or whether because I fear leaving. I believe that the only way I will be able to destroy my ego is by completely surrendering to the Divine, abstaining from the drudgery of the mundane. We all have our duties, and I belive that I'm fulfilling my duty here, and thus where springs the source of my conflict. Confusion of what my duty is, if this is my duty, and to the extents of my duties. For, at the core of it, I feel I'm a wanderer, a nomad, and thus I feel confined, and suffocated that I can't pursue my inquisitive ponderings.

But, I do not wish to complain. The road ahead is still quite long, the journey having just begun I should not concern myself about what lies down the road, but focus on the here and now. I understand that I must begin developing my self now if I wish to go somewhere tomorrow, and that many obstacles will lie in front of me. Whether or not I'm going about it in the right manner, I can not be the judge of. But, what seems to be important is that who I am today is not who I was yesterday, and nor will the person I am tomorrow be like the person I am now. And I say that with every ounce of positiveness associated with it, because I do feel that my intentions are refined and become more pure with each passing day.

With that being said, I look forward to engaging with each of you in conversation so that I may learn about how to better myself, and it is my humble hope, to be able to offer something in return. We are all on the same journey and I find hearing each of your journeys to be truly inspiring.

Speaking from Within A Void

As the semester winds down to an end and the prospect of returning home to Cleveland grows ever near, I'm faced with confronting this past semester, the goods and the bads. It seems like only last week that I got off the train in Albany, eager to get to campus and start the year off anew, a couple days ago that I was with friends in the Adirondacks, climbing the mountain and gazing across the beautiful landscape and then rowing back to shore later that night in absolute darkness, and only yesterday that I was in New York City, taking in the sights there for the first time in my life.

And as I sit here I can't help but ask where did the time go, and why does it continue to move so quickly? Einstein stated that time was relative, and his famous quote, "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity." It concerns me that time seems to be moving by so rapidly, and I question whether that has always been the case, a product of getting older, or some other cause. Then I ask myself, why am I so concerned about time rapidly passing me by? The Buddha would teach that it is my desires and attachment to time that contributes to my worry about time passing me by and that in turn leads to my suffering.

Next week will by far be the most horrid week of my semester, and very well could be the worst week of my academic career. Of course, it may be my mere exaggeration of the amount of work done. I know that after next Friday a huge burden will have been lifted from my shoulders and I'll be able to enjoy the break relatively undisturbed. Of course, I'll have to continue my research project / undergraduate thesis on Buddhism and Psychology, as well as finish my graduate school applications.

I got to thinking as well what I want to do with my life, and I think largely my worries about time passing me by has to do with my concern for the future. I came to RPI because I wanted money, because I was greedy and felt that the only way I could achieve happiness was by being monetarily successful, and furthermore, that I was using it as revenge for the way people treated me in high school. "I'll show them", was my attitude, "and then I'll be the one laughing when I make 10x the amount they do." How naive I was to be so inconsiderate and selfish. And now I'm faced with a grim problem, how do I face the fact that I've gone through 4 years of college and now I've no desire to do anything for profit? I so desparately want to help change the world for the better. No, I won't find the cure to any diseases or solve world hunger, but I realize that everday there are billions of other people in this world who I don't know anything about, and do anything to help their situation. I got to thinking how amazing it would be to go become a teacher in an underprivileged community, for example, a dalit community in India where otherwise their children would not receive a good education.

I've come to realize that despite my impatience with most Americans and their narrowminded view point, that at the core of it I love people. I love my fellow human beings. As I walk each day to class, and as I pass by people whom I've never seen before and will probably never see again, I can't help asking myself, what has their life experience been like? What trials and tribulations, what joys and sorrows, what successess and failures have they underwent on their journey. For at the core of it we are all sharing the same experience, the same goal of liberation from the prison of samsara, and as the Buddha taught, our quest for enlightenment.

I sit here typing, and making claims and I fear that's all they will ever be. Just words. I hope that I can find the strength in myself to face my own problems and my own tribulations upon graduation and pursue what I feel my path is. I wonder if it isn't by some chance that my life has been the way it has, my attachment to family, the fact I'm a pisces, or my personality type is INFP. All of these, despite a few that some may scoff at, I feel has prepared me to be a kind, caring, and compassionate person. And I don't want to give the impression of me being conceited or anything, because there've been many times where my anger and agression against people who've done me wrong has been quite apparent. But yet I feel guilty when I let the anger get to me, and I can't help but putting myself in other peoples shoes and trying to experience their pain.

So as the days go by and I've faced with the decisions of my future I hope that I choose the right path. I hope that I never get overcome with greed and avarice and that I can pursue a life of spirituality, compassion, and selfless service.

Faced with the Sins of My Past and the Desires of a Better Tomorrow

Althought I should be sleeping right now, here I find myself, wide awake and writing to my blog. Its been quite some time since my last post, which with my track record of blogging isn't all too surprising. I've always wish I were more expressive, better able to put my thoughts into words and write them down. I always questioned why I don't write more often. Sometimes my thoughts astound me, and I don't mean to sound narcissistic when I say that, but merely reflect upon the fact that I believe I share many of the same ideals and aspirations as do other people and I think I could benefit sharing them with others.

But, alas, it takes a special amount of effort or that occasional gem of inner thought to motivate me enough to actually sit down and spend time writing, or typing for that matter. I've realized something a bit strange of myself, I fear the finite. This is a bit related to what I had to say in my previous post, but it scares me to think that our existence is finite. Why do I bring this up? Well, I think that part of my lack of writing is that I fear that by writing something down, by writing something down I somehow am taking away from a finite source. It bothers me to think that if I keep writing things down eventually I'll have written everything I could possibly write down and therefore the finite source has been exhausted. It is absurd to that that, since I believe that one could sit for an eternity writing things down and never cross over on the same topic twice. Of course, one would have to develop their creativity and wisdom, but I believe that even as I speak the enormous amount of things we've created is a strong statement for the infinite-nature of reality.

But, this is slightly divergent of what I wanted to address here. I posted on my Facebook a proposal. I did some research, and while I can not verify the validity of what I read, it disturbed me to think that this has an ounce of truth. That what we were once taught about Thanksgiving being a time of celebration between the Pilgrams and the Indians and a time of peace was in fact a myth used to cover up a far darker truth. Where, in fact, the time of thanksgiving was started by a governor to give thanks for the massacre of Indians. To think that something as horrendous as this could be true frightens me. But, it lead me to think that even if this was not true it does not mean that all the other horrifying acts that we as Americans, and even that we as human beings have committed. Whether one regards the violence that we perpetuate against one another or the simply apathy that we seem to be plagued by when it comes to compassion felt for our fellow (wo)men, we are guilty. The crime of devaluing, harming, or dehumanizing another human being is the most terrifying and horrendous act we can committ, and it is a travesty of nature in the highest regard. And yet on a daily basis we go about our lives in a selfish manner in complete disregard for our fellow (wo)man. Thus, I propose we have a week of atonement, a national holiday where we as a collective people and a united nation fast and seek atonement for the sins of our past, of our present, and the transgression we have yet committ.

I once again want to state I'm not simply concerned about the gluttonous aspect of Thanksgiving. I myself had my own little (vegetarian) feast. But I do feel that it is somewhat backwards to take a holiday that celebrates giving thanks by stuffing our own face. We are a lustful, greedy, and selfish society. And while no act that we engage in can ever erase the pain and hurt that we've caused in our past, a week of atonement would show that we are at least mindful of our transgressions and maybe facilitate enough of a shift in conscious that we would be more mindful of our actions towards other in the future. While those who are ill, too young, or for whatever reason absolutely unable to participate in the fast would of course not be criticized for not doing so, I would hope that everyone else would participate in such an endeavor. The food that we would otherwise selfishly consume ourselves during this period would be well-deserved among those who are impoverished and suffering from hunger both here and abroad.

I know I'm being far too naive in this, and that such a thing would never come to pass in a country like the US. However, I do know that I will remain committed to fasting this week and will be mindful and attempt to set aside one weeklong fast a year as a time of atonement for my transgressions and sins.

We must be more compassionate towards other human beings and living things. The time for the needless violence, war, and hatred is over and the absurdity of it all has gone on far enough. Our arrogant ways have alienated us from ourselves and each other, and we find ourselves lost in a roaring torrent of confusion and fog, unsure of who we are or where we are going. Instead of squabbling over whos right and whos wrong we must stand together as the collective human race if we are ever to achieve a better tomorrow.

And while what I'm saying has not already been said before, it is important we be aware of this idea continuously.

Thank you all, and I bid you good night and Namaste.

Like a Phoenix Rising from its ashes

This is from my updated Myspace blog:

"Thus begins my new blog, risen from the abyss to start anew. I can't remember what incarnation this particular Myspace profile has become, so many over the past few years. Its refreshing to put the time and effort back into creating a profile from nothing, of starting over and approaching the site with a blank slate. In the past so many friends whom I didn't really know were added randomly, whoever requested to be my friend, without seriously considering anything about the person or their motivations.

But thats not what I wish to speak about. The last few weeks have been filled with trials and tribulations, of confronting the darkest of my demons. Still I fight against the shadows of my past and the confront the spectres of my future. I've been plagued with the strongest case of uncertainty I've thus far faced. Could it be the realization that in less than a year I will be out of college, forced to face the real world. My confusion about graduate school, where I want to go, what I want to do. Or is it something deeper, confusion about my beliefs and my spirituality. Unsure of where to go, I stumble from day to day without really realizing much or living to the fullest. I've descnded back into the pit of despair of which I'm all to familiar with.

I hate writing with such a depressing outlook, My intention is not to appear depressed, but merely reflecting over the maelstrom of my mind, the abstractness of the uncertainties and the realization that time is running out. Each day it seems like I have less and less time to accomplsih what I need and want to accomplsih. Its just so overwhelming at times, and I hate to think that it is indicative of what the rest of my life will be.

I've tried on so many levels to do something. But, it seems more and more that my cries are ignored, that my attempts are turned to dust and lost to the sands of time.. It grows tiresome, that despite all the noise I try to make and despite all the work I put forth that it is all still ignored. How is it that people can find it so easily to dismiss what I have to say, that they are not even so inclined to at least say something back or at least tell me to go disappear.

The worst is having the dichotomoy of two opposing views, of on one hand realizing the impertinence of reality, the impermanence of it all, and on the other hand of confronting the ego, the desire to live, to love, to succeed and abstaining from failure. Confronting the demons of desire and living according to my ideals. My ideals, notice the word there. 'Ideal'. So many ideals, so many decisions that I've made that have led me down tattered roads, ending nowhere and throwing me into a cataclysm of confounding thoughts and perceptions.

A discussion I had last night with a friend, of confronting the notion that after this there is nothing, that we simply cease to be. That once I die I'm no more, yet the world keeps living. My entire life, the very premise of which I've based my beliefs have been due to the fact that there's something more, that the universe is conscious and that eventually I'll free myself from the cycle of rebirth and join with this Universal Consciousness. The belief and the hope that this is not the only life I've lived nor will it be the last. Because it has all been a waste, it has all been a contradiction, a chaotic paradox filled with disappointment. I have to believe that no matter what tomorrow brings, and no matter what fate has instore, that this is not the only way, that this is not the only thing.

If I were to wake up tomorrow and know, with abolute certainty, that this is in fact all there is, what would I do? How could I continue living, knowing that everything I do and everything I did was in vain, and that no matter how much I tried and how much I worked that nothing will ever change. Sure, I can adhere to the principles of hedonism and live life to the fullest, but what would it accomplish? What would be the purpose.

The very existence of life, and the mere fact that the world perpetuates itself in light of death and destruction is proof, to me, that there is something greater. The experiences I've had with the gifts of the Gods, the plants of enlightenment and the molecules of spiritual expression is more than enough proof that there is more. But, despite it all I always have that nagging voice in my head, of telling me that it is game over, and thats that.

What roads will I take tomorrow, and what journies will I go on. What monsters will I confront and what friends will I make along the way. Will I be the same tomorrow as I was today. Am I really who I am, or am I simply an illusion, my consiousness a mere reflection but in itself unimportant.

So much to do, so little time. And even as I write this I find confrontation within myself, forcing myself to be restrained, to null these feelings and emotions, this concerns and hopes, these fears and expectations. Of imprisoning my ego and subjecting its will to my demands. But the ego is strong, and there is no other way to put it."