Speaking from Within A Void

As the semester winds down to an end and the prospect of returning home to Cleveland grows ever near, I'm faced with confronting this past semester, the goods and the bads. It seems like only last week that I got off the train in Albany, eager to get to campus and start the year off anew, a couple days ago that I was with friends in the Adirondacks, climbing the mountain and gazing across the beautiful landscape and then rowing back to shore later that night in absolute darkness, and only yesterday that I was in New York City, taking in the sights there for the first time in my life.

And as I sit here I can't help but ask where did the time go, and why does it continue to move so quickly? Einstein stated that time was relative, and his famous quote, "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity." It concerns me that time seems to be moving by so rapidly, and I question whether that has always been the case, a product of getting older, or some other cause. Then I ask myself, why am I so concerned about time rapidly passing me by? The Buddha would teach that it is my desires and attachment to time that contributes to my worry about time passing me by and that in turn leads to my suffering.

Next week will by far be the most horrid week of my semester, and very well could be the worst week of my academic career. Of course, it may be my mere exaggeration of the amount of work done. I know that after next Friday a huge burden will have been lifted from my shoulders and I'll be able to enjoy the break relatively undisturbed. Of course, I'll have to continue my research project / undergraduate thesis on Buddhism and Psychology, as well as finish my graduate school applications.

I got to thinking as well what I want to do with my life, and I think largely my worries about time passing me by has to do with my concern for the future. I came to RPI because I wanted money, because I was greedy and felt that the only way I could achieve happiness was by being monetarily successful, and furthermore, that I was using it as revenge for the way people treated me in high school. "I'll show them", was my attitude, "and then I'll be the one laughing when I make 10x the amount they do." How naive I was to be so inconsiderate and selfish. And now I'm faced with a grim problem, how do I face the fact that I've gone through 4 years of college and now I've no desire to do anything for profit? I so desparately want to help change the world for the better. No, I won't find the cure to any diseases or solve world hunger, but I realize that everday there are billions of other people in this world who I don't know anything about, and do anything to help their situation. I got to thinking how amazing it would be to go become a teacher in an underprivileged community, for example, a dalit community in India where otherwise their children would not receive a good education.

I've come to realize that despite my impatience with most Americans and their narrowminded view point, that at the core of it I love people. I love my fellow human beings. As I walk each day to class, and as I pass by people whom I've never seen before and will probably never see again, I can't help asking myself, what has their life experience been like? What trials and tribulations, what joys and sorrows, what successess and failures have they underwent on their journey. For at the core of it we are all sharing the same experience, the same goal of liberation from the prison of samsara, and as the Buddha taught, our quest for enlightenment.

I sit here typing, and making claims and I fear that's all they will ever be. Just words. I hope that I can find the strength in myself to face my own problems and my own tribulations upon graduation and pursue what I feel my path is. I wonder if it isn't by some chance that my life has been the way it has, my attachment to family, the fact I'm a pisces, or my personality type is INFP. All of these, despite a few that some may scoff at, I feel has prepared me to be a kind, caring, and compassionate person. And I don't want to give the impression of me being conceited or anything, because there've been many times where my anger and agression against people who've done me wrong has been quite apparent. But yet I feel guilty when I let the anger get to me, and I can't help but putting myself in other peoples shoes and trying to experience their pain.

So as the days go by and I've faced with the decisions of my future I hope that I choose the right path. I hope that I never get overcome with greed and avarice and that I can pursue a life of spirituality, compassion, and selfless service.